Driving a Train through your Media Brain

Oh, no no no; I don’t mean that the Republicans are the party to support the unemployed. I (or, the guardian, more specifically) mean that the Republicans are the party to exploit the plight of the unemployed for political capital in the coming midterm election, and are currently working to build said base to increase said capital. From the dystopian times:

“From now until 2 November, the Republican party will be the party of unemployment. The logic is straightforward: the more people who are unemployed on election day, the better the prospects for Republicans in the fall election. They expect, with good cause, that voters will hold the Democrats responsible for the state of the economy. Therefore, anything that the Republicans can do to make the economy worse between now and then will help their election prospects.

While it may be bad taste to accuse a major national political party of deliberately wanting to throw people out of jobs, there is no other plausible explanation for the Republicans’ behaviour. They have balked at supporting nearly every bill that had any serious hope of creating or keeping jobs, most recently filibustering on bills that provided aid to state and local governments and extending unemployment benefits. The result of the Republicans’ actions, unless they are reversed quickly, is that hundreds of thousands more workers will be thrown out of work by the mid-terms.”

Totally, unequivocably hilarious. Did no one realize this in product testing? Is this media hype? Man, I have to say, after two years of categorically horrendous service, fuck the iPhone (or, more specifically, fuck AT&T). I’m getting a $25 a month Virgin Mobile unlimited text. Fuck $103 bills! Fuck them to hades!

Here’s an excerpt, from the prestigious Yahoo News:

“iPhone 4 users are reporting en masse that their new handsets suffer a significant loss of signal strength when the phone’s antenna is touched with bare skin. Unfortunately, it is pretty much impossible to use a caseless iPhone 4 without touching the antenna, because the steel band that runs around the entire outside of the case is the antenna. To avoid touching it you’d somehow have to pinch the front and back of the phone between two fingers.”

I’m not joking. It’s so awful, I’m only giving one sentence. From ABC News:

“An Army sergeant who served in Iraq for 15 months has been restricted to his Washington military base after being accused of waterboarding his 4-year-old daughter because she refused to recite her ABCs.”

A pretty terribly written article from the Associated Press (looks like the various banner ads and 1,000,000th visitor contests the AP put out for field reporters really came through, ZZZZZZING!), polling what “Real Mayans” think about all this 2012 hullabaloo. Mr. Mark Stevenson, the reporter, peppers the article with “Or is it!!??!?!” questions that keep the mind guessing. In summation, doesn’t probe much deeper than the subject line I wrote above. In fact, an impromptu recreation of said article; no need to even follow the link, save for humor reference!

Us: “The Mayans Say The World Is Ending!” Mayans: “Hey, Fuck You!”
An Associated Press article by Mark Stevenson

“Some people think the world will end in 2012.

Or will it!?

The mayans thought it would, or so the people who think it, the world, will end in 2012, think they would say.

But do mayans really think so?

“I live in immediate, tangible desperation, and you ask me these questions? You AP reporter? When will it rain?!!?!”

Astronomers also have a lot to think about this.

Or do they?

Westerners love blaming apocalypse on the Mayans, The End.”

Though I’d love to take credit for the pun above, all wordplay is courtesy of The Sun:

“…along with hundreds of others, the couple are part of a secret community living in the dark and dirty underground flood tunnels below the famous strip.

Rather than working in the bars or kitchens they “credit hustle”, prowling the casinos searching the fruit machines for money or credits left by drunken gamblers.

Despite the risks from disease, highly venomous spiders and flooding washing them away, many of the tunnel people have put together elaborate camps with furniture, ornaments and shelves filled with belongings.

Steven and girlfriend Kathryn’s base – under Caesar’s Palace casino – is one of the most elaborate. They even have a kettle and a makeshift shower fabricated out of an office drinking water dispenser.”